In my autobiography, The Accordion Player , I conclude with four guiding principles that encapsulate what I’ve learned in life and wish to share:
Speak without offending,
Listen without defending,
Live without pretending, and
Love without depending.
These principles have become a personal code by which I measure my daily actions. Living without pretending has been the easiest for me to adopt. Loving without depending was, and still remains, the most challenging. Much of what I do is to earn love. I seek love through my work, which I love, and I expect to be loved in return. This means dependency on others to experience love. Such dependency can be very painful because love is not always granted. It has led to many sleepless nights during which I reached the conclusion that I needed to love myself more. If I did, I concluded, I would depend less on others to feel love.Focusing on self-love, however, can lead to narcissistic behavior—a negative side effect. So, what is the right solution? How to experience love without depending?
Notice that when there is love and absolute integration, everything grows and flourishes; there is synergy and symbiosis.
Synergy occurs when diverse elements collaborate and produce something new. For that, the diverse elements exchange information and learn from each other. That will happen only if there is mutual respect, the recognition of each other’s right to be, think, and act differently.
Symbiosis requires the existence of mutual trust that there is a common interest. When that exists, the elements involved cooperate, and whatever is created survives in the long run.
Mutual trust and respect are the foundations of love. Without them, symbiosis and synergy vanish. Without them, love evaporates. Thus,the primary condition to feel love is to treat others with trust and respect. The stronger our relationships are based on mutual trust and respect, the higher the chances that love will be born and flourish.
"Love without depending" means to me that love depends on how I behave, not how others behave towards me. Recognize the right of others to think differently and always act in the common interest.
Written by
Dr. Ichak Adizes
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